For as long as I can remember, I’ve been looking for a place that I can call my own where I can write, listen to music, look at my art books and not worry about the pressure or expectations that life hurls at me. Am I delusional to think that a place like that exists, perhaps, but I still long for a place where I can just “be”. My living situation since arriving in New York has been nothing short of tumultuous. I tend to attract people who like to control my every move and who enjoy micro-managing me. This isn’t new to me, but I am in place where I’m exhausted with having to “squish” myself into what the people in my life expect of me. Rejecting “the squish” has happened not only at the place where I lay my head but also in my church life and relationships. I just want to be free and to do what makes me happy and unfortunately it’s taken me a long time to understand my needs and more importantly to understand that my needs are important. I’ve learned to divorce people who rob me of my happiness or who force me into places or conversations that put me in mental anguish. I realize that it’s not my job to save people or to smile so hard that my teeth hurt or to ignore emotionally abusive behaviour. I’m no longer baited into conversations that don’t promote resolutions and I now accept that I’m not psychic, so reading people’s minds and anticipating their needs is no longer my burden. It it easy? Absolutely not, it’s taxing, uncomfortable and humbling but the peace that I’ve received has been remarkable. Loving myself wholly is a lot of work but it’s the most rewarding work I’ve ever done.
On a lighter note, how was your weekend? Did you do anything fun? I watched ‘Miss Peregrine’s ome for Pecuilar Children: I HATED IT
I got a lamb pita at a food truck in Harlem:I LOVED IT
I listened to Solange’s NEW album, “A Seat at the Table” and it”s glorious as expected.
Off for more adventures in this busy and itimidating city!